Coping With Divorce: Navigating Change & Rebuilding Your Identity
“How do I cope with a divorce?” is a question you probably never wanted to ask yourself. Whether you or your partner initiated it, or it was a mutual agreement, it sure doesn’t make the process any easier. It wasn’t a decision made on a whim, and for many women (including myself), it brings an endless load of questions, racing thoughts, and “what ifs” that are pushing you one of two ways:
Filling your day with all of the “to-dos” and endless tasks so you don’t have a second to think about your current situation
Finding yourself drifting through each day, that feeling of numbness growing more present with each passing week
First, I want you to know that you are not broken. You are navigating the dynamics of a situation you never hoped to be in, trying to care for yourself and for your family, all while expected to put on a the “everything is fine” mask in public. You are grieving the life and identity you thought you would have, and that process takes time.
When “I’m Fine” Really Doesn’t Feel Fine
It’s 3:00 AM, and you’re wide awake with a mind that won’t slow down, thinking about your to-do list, running through all of the tasks that used to be shared, now bearing weight on your shoulders.
It’s 7:00 AM, and you’re frantically trying to get the kids up and ready — oh, and is today their overnight, did you pack a bag?
It’s 12:00 PM, and you’re on your third cup of coffee just to make up for the lack of sleep (that seems to be piling up). You remember that you definitely forgot to respond to a friend (or three), but you just don’t have the energy to tell them how you’re really feeling.
By the time evening rolls around, you’re exhausted. You knew that this process would be difficult, but the mental gymnastics your brain has been doing to make it through each day feel like they’re swallowing you whole.
Divorce is not something you have to navigate alone, even when it feels like you’re the only person who is going through this pain. You are overloaded, and that is where I come in. Yes, in simple terms, I’m a life coach that helps women in divorce, but I’m really your transition architect. My role is to help you sort, structure, and organize this mental load, so you can actually take the first steps out of the fog.
Dealing With (and Delegating) What’s Overwhelming You
Right now, you’re in what I call your “Day 1”. The current state that you know isn’t sustainable, but even deciding how to step forward feels like a mountain to conquer in itself. My job is to help you turn that mountain into molehills by starting with what we’ll call a “life audit”.
What are all of the responsibilities you have - work, children, finances, aging parents?
What extra items outside of your “absolute musts” are causing you additional stress - volunteering, clubs, extracurriculars?
What does your current day to day look and feel like when all of these responsibilities are piled on your plate?
But more importantly, you deserve the space to process and deeply think through what has been impacting you most emotionally.
What feelings are constantly swirling in your mind everyday, in relation to who you are as a human? Why?
What fills your cup that you no longer have time for anymore?
What do you miss most - about yourself, and the parts of your old life that gave you the most joy?
This isn’t about reminiscing, or trying to re-create the past in any way. This is about giving you the space to think through what your next chapter can hold, maybe for the first time. It’s about removing the mental clutter and barriers that have left you feeling paralyzed, and giving you a fresh slate to build the strongest foundation possible for your future. This can look like sorting these responsibilities in one of four buckets:
Keep
Delegate
Pause
Drop
If a massive audit sounds a bit too big in your current state, just start with one week. What is one thing you can place in each bucket?
Establishing Self-Trust Through Boundaries
During and after divorce, it’s a shock to the system, to say the least. Not only are we losing the life we’ve become accustomed to, but we are also facing some of the most deeply personal reflections in ourselves.
Did we miss signs that could have prevented this?
How did we let this go on for so long?
Why did I let myself get to this place?
Remember, these are all completely understandable questions, but they are not a reflection of you as an individual. We lose our sense of control, our intuition, and our self-belief, all during a time where there are so many additional variables out of our control. One of the best ways that you can start to regain confidence is expand what you can control.
So often, we find ourselves in fight or flight, taking whatever the day throws at us exactly when it comes, and that reactivity likely only breeds more anxiety and frustration. Boundary setting is one of the first steps to not only feeling in control, but naming and standing by YOUR preferences. Every time you do this, I want you to think of putting a “deposit” in your self-trust bank. This can look like:
Communication preferences with the most challenging people in your life: your ex, in-laws, friends that haven’t been serving you
Childcare logistics (if applicable), creating a schedule that works for who you’re becoming, not against you.
Genuinely creating (even small) blocks of time for yourself. This can be 5, 10, 15 minute increments that are for you, and you alone.
Figuring out which friends can support you in their best ways — the confidant and affirmer, the one you can call for help with the kids, the friend that is always there for a long vent session. Lean on their strengths to help bring yours back to life, they are part of your community.
This isn’t going to be perfect, and it won’t be linear either. But, every time you hold that boundary, you are working the muscle of self-trust to rebuild that shaken confidence.
Starting to Rebuild Your Identity: Questions to Ask
Divorce puts us face-to-face with many things that we never expected to uncover, and some of the most important questions we’ve stopped asking ourselves. It’s a raw, real reckoning of our most vulnerable selves, and as difficult as that is, it also gives you the opportunity to re-establish the “you” that has been tucked away for so long.
Take this as your invitation for reflection. You’ve started with the tangible steps to start clearing the mental load in your current state, and now it’s time to establish what “Day 2” looks like - your ideal state.
What did I stop doing during my marriage that used to light me up?
What opinions, tastes, and preferences did I put on the shelf to keep the peace?
Where in my days do I feel most like myself, and where do I feel like I’m just going through the motions?
What am I just saying yes to out of habit?
What would I try or do if I weren’t worried about being judged or getting it “wrong”?
Who in my life has been really impactful? Who knows the real me and who do I want to spend more time with?
This is just a snippet of what we work through together, but sets the foundation for your strongest chapter yet. If you’re thinking about, currently going through, or recently post-divorce, and see yourself in here, I see you. In fact, I’ve been there, and now it’s my job to help you navigate this journey. We grieve, process, empathize, but we also start to take action so you can finally move forward.
You can learn more about how we can work together here, and if this post spoke to you, you can book a free discovery call here.
